A blank page is before me,

The possibilities seems endless,

The commission, terrifying to the core.

The first strokes are beginning,

The first words are being formed

Something new is starting.

But where will this ink lead me?

What stories are waiting to be told?

What hardships and joys will this paper  soon hold?

The pages from before give no hint to what’s insotre,

It only beckons to my pen to write more,

Yet, once pen toughes paper, there is no going back.

Still, I know it is my lot to write,

The story my King is orchestrating

Where this will end, I am not sure

…. and so it begins.

In brokenness we walk the narrow road

Wearing a shattered mask, we smile a broken smile

Deceived that our cracked and torn disguise

Hides well the torment buried deep inside.

Fear of judgment and rejection

Bind us to silence and loneliness

Convinced its better to not love at all

Than risk the consequences of losing it again.

Regret taints our faces and haunts our sleep

It gnaws at our hearts and tears at our souls

Quietly without a sound it rots and spoils

All the memories we once held dear.

In sorrow we grieve most desperately

For what once was and what will never be

And for our hearts that are not whole

 Due to the piece you handled so carelessly.

Anger breeds blame and clouds our view

It twists the truth with horrid lies

Telling us that the innocent and beautiful

Was instead hideous and perverse.

Tired of trying to fix it alone

We humbly surrender it all unto You

Asking that You do what we failed to:

Bring healing to what no mortal can mend.

In time we find the strength to forgive

The courage to smile, and boldness to move on.

With a heart full of peace we sing a song of joy

Finally able to laugh and love once more.

The winds of change never cease to blow,

Mingling the footprints of yesterday with the paths of tomorrow;

leaving nothing left but the passing gain,

Fading into a throbbing pain.

It seems so long since I have seen your face,

Watched you smile, or looked in your eyes.

Its been forever since I heard your voice,

Listened to your laugh, or came running to your call.

They say time heals all wounds, but it cannot erase them.

So with scares on our faces

We fake a simile and pretend we are fine,

All the while paining inside.

I often wonder if love can be made new,

Or if all you once were remains true.

For promises it seems are not always kept

Leaving love empty and unmet.

Standing at a cross roads of life,

She looks to left, and then to right,

Sighs heavily, knowing what she must do:

Put one foot in front of the other

And go where no one would follow.

As time goes by the grief may fade

The sting may pass, but the memory will remain,

For though the years will come and go,

I’ll always carry a piece of your soul.

I wrote this story for a class assignment a few weeks ago. Our teacher asked us to write a fairly tale using the communication skills we learned from the book we read in class called “How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk” (which I think anyone who has kids or works with kids should read!). So this is what i cam up with. Hope you enjoy!

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            Once upon a time, in land far away, there lived two little girls. One was a pour peasant who had nothing at all and yet was as rich as a king. She had shoulder length hair and grey eyes that laughed when she smiled but I will get to her a little later. The other was a princess who lived in a beautiful castle nestled high up on a hill overlooking the quaint village. She was a tall girl of a fair completion. Though she used to be a joyful child, those days had long since vanished.  The princess had everything a little girl could ever dream of but somehow, had nothing at all. For you see, all the glorious thing she had paled in comparison to the one thing she hated. That thing that was a secret. A secret so dreadful, she would have gladly traded the entire kingdom to berid herself of it. A secret that started out small but never stopped growing and never went away. A secret that she fought desperately to keep hidden for she knew not what horrific things might befall her should her secret ever be truly found out. The ban of her life was a horrible monster that lived deep inside her. She could not even remember the day the she let it in nor how it had come to reside in her. All she knew was that no matter what she did, she could not get rid of it. 

     The princess longed to tell to her parents, to finally free herself of the heavy secret she carried, but she knew they wouldn’t understand. One day, the monster was so large and bothering her so much, the girl was afraid she might die if she did not tell someone. Since she was scared to tell of her own secret, she brought up the subject of inner monsters by telling her mother she heard a rumor of a princess who had a monster inside of her. Her mother was so appalled she scolded her daughter, “How many times do I have to tell you stop making up silly stories! No body has ‘monsters’ inside them, especially NOT princesses! Now, go write ‘I will not tell tall tales’ 100 times!” Even so, Madelyn, for that was the princesses’ name, had become immune to her parent’s empty threats of punishment, whenever she disobeyed.  Rarely did they ever follow through on their threats and when she did, it didn’t do them any good.  

     Still, Madelyn did not like displeasing her parents. Yet regardless of her efforts to “behave like a civilized women,” she always seemed to get in trouble. Whenever she did get in trouble, the monster inside her got madder and madder and grew bigger and bigger! The bigger the monster got, the harder it was for Madelyn to ignore it and remain in control. Everyday a battled waged within the small girl. The monster fought to make her do things she never dreamed of doing, and Madelyn fought to hold on to the sweet and innocent girl she once was. But sometimes, the monster became so angry, it made Princess Madelyn yell  and scream things she did not mean at her parents. Although she was horrified by her words, Madelyn’s pride was too strong to allow her to apologize. On the occasions she did yell,  her mother would tell her, “Why can’t you be a good girl like your sister? She is always so well behaved. Never yells or tells lies about made up creatures! I just don’t know what to do with you.”

     On this particular day, Princess Madelyn was having an especially difficult time keeping her monster at bay. Weary from the fight, she wondered to herself how much longer she could keep this up without help. It was then that her father called her over to have a talk. He accused her of willfully displaying inappropriate behavior over last few weeks to spite him and bring shame upon the family name. He went on to lecture her about appropriate royal behavior and the burden all princesses’ carry of acting a certain way. The longer he talked and accuses, the weaker Madelyn’s resolve to fight off the monster became and thus, the stronger the monster grew. Then it happened. After all of his accusations and lecturing, he commanded her to, “start acting like a lady…. Or else!” That was the last straw. Madelyn couldn’t take it anymore and apparently, the monster couldn’t either! She screamed at her father. Throwing all kinds of hurtful darts spewing from months of bitterness and anger. Without waiting for a response, she turned and run out the door, out the courtyard, past the guards on the drawbridge, deep into the forest, and into the town.

             Now, the peasant, Bella, lived a life as different from Madelyn’s as night is from day. She lived in a small one-room hovel in the poorest part of the village. Her father and brother worked long hard days tending the Kings fields, while Bella and her mother worked in a near by tavern cooking, cleaning, and serving tables just to keep food on the table. It was a hard life but Bella’s parents always accepted her feelings and understood how demanding their situation was on her. No matter how difficult their circumstances were, Bella knew she could always talk to her parents about it.

            Whenever she misbehaved, Bella’s parents helped her learn from her mistakes and showed her how to make amends for errors.  Bella was having a terrible time getting home on time for suppertime. She knew the rule but she was only allowed to play with her friends for an hour in the evening. After a long day of work, Bella often got swept away with her friends on an imaginary adventure so exciting, she often lost track of time. Despite Bella’s repetitive tardiness, her mother never once got angry and her or yelled. One day, Bella came running in the door almost an hour late, hastily apologizing.  Her mother stopped Bella before she had a chance to tell her mother her excuses for being late. Instead of punishing her, Bella’s mother calmly sat her down for a talk.

“I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to!!!” pleaded Bella. “I just got so caught up with my friends.” “Hmmmm sounds like it’s hard for you stop in the middle of your games” her mother replied.

“Yes it is!” pouted Bella

“Well, can I share with you how I feel when you are late?” asked mother.

“Your angry!” accused Bella.

“No darling I am not angry,” said mother with a sad smile, “I am scared.”

“Scared?” questioned Bella in disbelief .

“Yes! I worry about what could happen to you if you stay out past dark. It is not safe for a small girl to roam the streets alone at night. I love you so much that even the thought of losing you scares me” said mother.

“I’m sorry mother… I didn’t think about how it would make you feel” replied Bella.

“Its okay dear. I never told you. I apologize for not being more honest but my fears.” Confessed mother has she hugged Bella. “Now, what do you say we sit down and see if we can think of a solution we both agree on!”

“Sounds good to me!” said Bella excitedly.

            So mother and daughter began to brainstorm all the possible solutions for the issue at hand. Mother wrote down all of Bella’s ideas, even if they were very silly. Finally, after talking through all of the ideas, they both agreed that if Bella played outside in the morning instead of the evening, her mother would not have worry if she was late and Bella still could have some play time with her friends. It was on one such day that Bella was walking through the town, on her way to the meadow to pick some flowers for her mother when she met Madelyn. The two literally ran into each other. Madelyn was so angry with her father and with the monster inside her that she yelled angrily at Bella “Watch it! Don’t you ever look where your going?!?!” She was about to storm off when Bella asked, “Are you okay?” Madelyn froze, startled at her words. How did she know? Then she looked down at her fine clothes and then, back up at her surroundings. It was then that realized just how out of place she truly was. 

“No” she replied, suddenly very tired.

“Well then, it’s a good thing we ran into each other! Lets go to the woods to find some nice cool shade where we can talk!”

            As they walked, Bella asked why Madelyn was so upset. After many months of keeping the terrible monster a secret, Madelyn was glad to have a friend to talk to and spilled out the whole story. To her utter surprise, Bella did not accuse of being crazy her or push aside her story as a tall tale! In fact, Bella listened intently to the entire story. When Madelyn was finished, Bella just sat there is contemplative silence looking very serious and thoughtful. Then she asked, “Can I tell you something?”

“Of course!” replied Madelyn, eager to hear what the girl had to say.

“When I was younger, I had a monster inside me too.” Said Bella very matter-of-factly.

“You-you-you, you did?,” stuttered Madelyn in complete disbelief.

“Yes I did ! And sometimes I still have to fight him off…but its not as hard as it used to be.”

“What did you do? How do you fight it?,” asked Madelyn as her hope began to rise.

“I didn’t do it on my own. My parents helped me! I told them all about the monster and you know what they said?” asked Bella with a mischievous smile tugging at the corner of her lips.

“What!?!?!” demanded Madelyn.

Looking both ways, as if looking for eavesdroppers, she leaned in closer to Madelyn and said in an almost whisper, “They had monsters  inside them too!”

“No!!!” exclaimed Madelyn.

“Yup, its true. Whenever they yelled at me or punished me, they felt the monster growing bigger and bigger, too. The bigger their monster got, the bigger mine got. The monsters got so big, that whenever we even talked, all we could think about was our monsters and none of us liked that at all,” explained Bella.

“I feel the same way!!!…. what did you do?”

“We talked about it and listed all the things that made our monsters grow. Then, we came up with a plan of how to avoid those things. It took lots of practice but we worked together. Now, whenever my parents forget and begin to yell at me, tell them that I feel my monster coming back and they choose an alternative to yelling.”

“Oh… well that could never happen with my parents.” Said the princess as her hope receded.

“Of course it can!”

“You don’t know my parents. You see, they’re-they’re, ….they’re the king and queen.”

Now it was Bella turn to be shocked. “But that means you’re a-a-a….”

“A princess? “ interjected Madelyn. “Why yes I am.”

After a thoughtful pause, Bella continued, “I still think if you just talk to them you guys can work it out. Hey! My parents could even go to the castle and help you guys make a plan!”

“But I tried bringing it up once and they didn’t listen!”

“I can see where it would be difficult for you to try again,” consoled Bella, “but you are honest with them I truly believe you guys could work it out! Either way, you would at least get rid of your secret!”

“Well…. Do you really think your parents would help my mother and father?” inquired Madelyn still unsure.

“Of course! Your parents are the king and queen you know! My family would be honored to serve the royal family.”

“In that case… I suppose I’ll give it a try.”

            The two girls walked back to the castle hand in hand, planning what Madelyn should say. What happened with her parents you might ask? Just as Bella predicted, they too admitted to having monsters inside that between them and their beloved daughter. When Madelyn asked her mother why she and become so angry when she brought up the monster before and didn’t say anything about her monster, her mother said “I guess it was my own monster acting out of fear of being found out.”

Bella’s parents did indeed assist the royal family in learning how to fight off the terrible monsters that were trying to keep their family apart. It was not an easy battle, but one Madelyn and her parents were willing to fight. The royal family was so thankful that they gave Bella’s parents a beautiful house in the country and more money than they could imagine. Bella’s father and brother didn’t have to work in the fields anymore and Bella and her mother no longer worked in the tavern. Instead, Bella spent her days playing with her new best friend in the safety of the castle walls where her mother no longer had to worry about her safety and where Bella could play to her hearts content. The two grew up together, in loving homes where no monsters were strong enough to prevail. And they both lived happily ever, after.

            The End.

Dreams… remember those? Those beliefs and ideas that you live and breathe for? The reason you wake up early, work all day, and go to bed late… even when you don’t want to? Dreams give us the courage to keep on going when we feel like giving up. Dreams are what we give our everything for each and every day. Life has been so non-stop lately that I can’t recall the last time I stopped to ponder the dreams that have brought me this far and continue to drive me forward. Well, today God decided to send me a little reminder:

This morning at practicum, I was rocking baby Sarah, my little 16 month-old bundle of joy who was feeling sick, in the living room recliner for about an hour. She slept most of the time but only as long as I didn’t move around much and was either singing or talking. After about 45 minutes I ran out of songs to sing and prayers to pray so I picked up the only book within reach, a random Disney princess book with super shortened summaries of the all princess stories retold with an emphasis on wishes and dreams (Cinderella dreams of going to the ball, Belle wishes for an enchanted life, Jasmine dreams of going outside the palace walls and marrying for love, etc). As I began to read the book, it’s oppening lines caught me by surprise:

A dream is a wish your heart makes

when your fast asleep.

In dreams, you will lose your heartaches;

Whatever you wish for, you keep.

Have faith in your dreams and someday

Your rainbow will come shinning through.

No matter how your heart is grieving, 

If you keep on believing,

The dreams that you wish for will come true.

As cheesy as it sounds, this totally spoke to my heart. Life has gotten so busy and crazy that it has become super hard to keep my eyes on the dreams and goals that have set me on this course of life. I find myself so focused on the present trials and hardships that I have lost sight of the finish line I am working towards.

Haha, so I guess either God really does work in mysterious ways (like through Disney children’s books ;) or I am just crazy! lol! Either way, this little story gave me the strength to remember and believe in all the dreams I have kept hidden deep in my heart and all the forgotten promises God has made. Driving home, I felt God breathe fresh life into the dreams he planted in me so very long ago. I could almost hear him whisper; “Have faith my daughter, I will make everything right in my timing.”

Long ago their journey began,

Two little girls walked hand in hand,

Giggling and whispering without a care,

Truly their friendship had not a tear.

As time went on they had their rifts

But solemnly swore they would never drift

Dreaming and laughing of together growing old,

Neither suspected how cheaply one would be sold.

I cannot say just when or what unseen

Weaseled its vile way between

The girls and their beautifully innocent bliss

That was lost to a Judas kiss.

The one loyally poured out all she got

Though what she received was less than her lot,

Still she unconditional loved, forgave and sought

Reconciliation just as she’d been taught.

Promises it seems are not always kept

And the one was hurt, confused, and deeply wept

Desperately trying to grasp the reasons why

She found herself having to say goodbye.

Much time has passed, yet no hope’s in sight

Still for friendship the one puts up a fight

Believing one day their packed might mend

But reluctantly surrendering to the inevitable end.

Her heart will always ache when she comes to mind

Thinking of all the words and years they left behind,

Haunted by fears that she forgot something in her exhaust

That might have saved their friendship from being lost.

In case you were wondering how school is going I thought I’d post some of the likes and dislikes for you… just to give you a better idea of what “Nanny School” its actually like. 

Annoyances…

1. Crazy teachers who will not give you a 100% no matter how well you do simply because ”there is always room for improvement”

2. Having to pack a lunch every single day

3. Talking about baby food for 2 hours

4. People who talk in class… ALL THE TIME!

3. Stupid questions

4. Andy, Michael, Dwight (No, not from the office ;)

5. Negative people who bring everybody down

6. Teachers who argue everything you say… no matter how right you are!!!

Highlights…

1. Learning about children 

2. Meeting new people and making new friends

3. Coloring in class!

4. Playing card games at lunch 

5. Family Dynamics class and homework

6. Making a story board of my past, present, and future

7. Getting to see the sunrise on my way to school

8. Reading our Child Development book (its so interesting… no joke!)

9. Being in a place where God can really use me to reach out to the lost 

10. Knowing I am where God wants me to be

It has been an interesting transition to say the least. Since I was homeschooled all my life, it was a kinda like a slap in the face to come the the realization that I am likely the only positive representation of Jesus in these people’s lives (yes, you would be very surprised at the… variety people I go to school with). But after the initial shock its been good! Haha, buts seriously, I love learning and I’m trusting that God will use me and give me opportunities to touch the lives of those around me. Yeah, its good stuff!

There you have it. Nanny School in a nutshell!

The seasons of life come and go, each bringing with it a new and different theme or lesson to be learned. My current season is no exception. How would I describe it? I think Erwin Raphael McManus said it best in his book Chasing Daylight:

Rumblings are more felt than heard and certainly never seen. They come to you through the souls of your feet into the depth of your soul.

Only then do they open the eyes of your heart. They speak of a shift that is about to take place. 

My soul is rumbling…

Where can I go to avoid your Spirit? To be out of your sight? … I look behind me and you’re there, then up ahead and you’re there, too – your reassuring presence” Plasm 139 (Message).

I look behind me, to my past, and all I can see is you. Your ever watchful eyes following me throughout my life, guiding my steps within your will. From the beginning you loved me, corrected me, understood me, held me, cried with me, laughed with me, and you never left me for a moment.

I look ahead, to my future, and all I can see is you. The beautiful destiny you have planed, your smiling face as you watch me grow,  helping me up when I stumble and fall, holding my hand through the valleys and streams, carrying me up the steepest of mountains, pouring out your blessing midst famine and lack, loving me no matter what, and never leaving me for a second. 

I look right where I am, at my present, and all I can see is you. You know where I’ve been and you know where I’m going, you’ve been here all along. I feel your presence and your love surround, I’d be nothing without you. I’m completely at peace knowing both my past and future are in your hands. You’ve always been here, right by my side; and I know you’ll never leave me, not even for a single heartbeat.

     Recently I have been pondering just how incredibly unique all of my friends are. We are all so wonderfully different and individually made, that at times I am astounded (I seriously love it!). In our differences though, I have come to see many of us have this fantasy picture in our heads of “the perfect person” that we somehow expect everyone around us to attempt to become. Far too often I hear someone say something to the effect of “That person annoys the crap out of me! They really need to change!” But I wonder, if we had to live up to what we demand of others, how well would we actually measure up?

      People are so often quick to point out faults and slow to encourage. When something about someone irritates us, we expect them to not only accept and respect our opinions of them without question, but also to change their habits or personality overnight. What if the tables were turned, how well would we take our own criticism?

     The answer to that question will be different for everyone, but lately I personally have been doing my best to reevaluate the expectations and pressures I place on others to change. Simply because in the moment I got frustrated, does not give me the right to demand anything of them…. Quite the contrary. I can’t lie that there are personality and character traits in those around me that at times irritate me, but hey, that’s life! When you are close to someone and get to know them really well, getting along doesn’t “just happen” it becomes something you have to work to achieve. Friendships should never be based on trying to “fix” the other person. We should always accept our friends just as they are while at the same challenging and encouraging them to be the very best they can possibly be.

     What I always come back to is this; I cannot alter my friends and trying to do so is a fast way to ruin the friendship. The only person I can change is myself, and how I react when my friends frustrate me. There will always be people in our lives that rub us the wrong way because “we have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.” The sooner we accept this the more successful our relationships will become. I am far too blessed and my friendships mean far too much to me to destroy them with unreasonable demands! Besides, as often as not, I annoy my friends just as much as they annoy me! Haha, so what can we do but love and accept each other exactly as we are?